Just a small warning if you are triggered or sensitive to information about eating disorders, please skip this blog post.

Your mental health is important.

Thank you for your support on the blog.

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Since feeling “lost,” I had a realization that my relationship with food wasn’t so great.

Since stopping Crossfit, bodybuilding and taking all my fitness down overall, there was no need for me to follow a “set” ratio of macros. I won’t go into detail about macros (see THIS video) but the jist is when I had a specific fitness regime, I had a nutrition coach that would give me a “macro breakdown” of how much fat, protein and carbs I should eat to support my specific fitness goals.

But what if the goal is well JUST overall wellness?

How the hell do I eat for that?No, seriously… how do I?

I’ve been using My Fitness Pal since 2013 when I originally started bodybuilding and have used it on and off since to keep track of my eating patterns (this was helpful when my doctor switched me to a low GI “diet”), iron intake (being anemic) and keeping up with my health goals. They ranged from bodybuilding, to losing 30lbs post both pregnancies, Crossfit to now… what now?

Well I suppose I don’t really need it now do I?

I realized that I had developed an awful relationship with food. I stumbled upon a word while watching a YouTube video recently; orthorexia.

Orthorexia nervosa is perhaps best summarized as an obsession with healthy eating with associated restrictive behaviors. However, the attempt to attain optimum health through attention to diet may lead to malnourishment, loss of relationships, and poor quality of life.

I didn’t realized I had a problem until I realized I HAD a problem. Something I won’t go into much detail (maybe some other point in time) is that I used to have a binge eating disorder. Oddly enough it began a few months after I hit my 100lbs weight loss “goal” and was a binge eater for almost two years in my early 20s.

Makes sense that a former individual with an eating disorder would fall again to one during struggles with my mental health. For me it’s a form of control. I realized that I had limited myself [and my partner] on where we could go out, when we could go out and even what he could bring me as a treat.I wasn’t living at all and had created my own hell.

Going to two different Thanksgiving really made me aware of this issue; I was afraid to not have “my healthy” foods instead of just living and enjoying the company of family and friends.

The anxiety I feel when I have to leave the house around a “meal time,” had become quite severe. At least I did manage to recognize this pattern before it turned into a worse problem. For now I am trying to avoid using My Fitness Pal and just listening to my body when hungry; doesn’t matter what time it is or “what” the food it (within reason of course).

This journey is only the beginning to heal my current relationship with food, so we shall how things go.

One day at a time, of course.-Sabs 🌿