As per the “norm” as of late, I didn’t know what to write.

I try to post weekly, but this past weekend a lot happened in my overall life [especially with work]. I’ll discuss more details perhaps in another post but for now I just wanted to say that I am drained.

Going from having the kids 50/50 to essentially 70+%… just made things much harder then I had ever anticipated. I have been feeling alone. I always preface that I am more than happy to have them more but, but I didn’t realize how much that would weigh on me.

I went from having them Wednesday to Sunday to now Sunday- Friday. I didn’t anticipate how much more work having to deal with the weekly school routine [not to mention plus homeschooling] would drain me.

I.

am.

DRAINED.

So damn drained.

Waking up before 6:30am to prepare my oldest lunch box [plus sometimes the twins to make it easier when I was babysitting], getting my partner’s work meal ready… left me waiting until after eight in the morning to finally sit and drink a cup of coffee. I had to wait almost two hours for a minute to myself.

I found myself hiding in the bathroom a lot, crying and just not feeling supported.

I lost myself, yes… but then I lost myself even more I feel a few weeks ago.

Somehow, my “a-ha” moment emerged out of nowhere.  

I recently just realized I was living for others and not myself.

This does include my kids, but it also includes my partner, my ex-husband (aka the co-parent) and my bosses at work. I let others dictate what I needed, where I should be in life, what I should do and where my time should be spent.

I know I sound like I’m complaining, but like aren’t you drained just reading all this?

All I know is how to be the big sister, a mom, wife/ partner and people pleaser.

As T-Swift says, “Hi, it’s me. I’m the problem it’s me.”

I truly am.

There becomes a point where you’re complaining so much and you have to realize that YOU are the problem.

Why?

Because you’ve complained so long and didn’t change anything.

So here I am, it’s time to change things.

Maybe it’s because I’m approaching 35, but all I know is I feel something has to be done. Two of my good luck numbers have always been 3 and 5 (yes I’m that person), so why not now?

If not now…. WHEN?

If not me, WHO?–Sabs