When You’ve Lost Yourself.

I’ve come to the recent realization that I don’t know who I’ve become.

Over the last few years since separating myself from my ex-husband, I realized I had lost myself. Not only lost myself because my identity became “mom” after having children, but I even lost myself in my marriage. Our relationship wasn’t healthy, to put it lightly.

But since letting go of [most] things in my life, I was left to wonder who have I’ve become?

Everything from getting [re-] diagnosed with ADHD, not working at the gym as much, stopping Crossfit [mainly due to my osteoarthritis], slowing down and not working as much overall… lead me here.

Where is here exactly?

I don’t know.

I just know that I have not been myself in quite some time, maybe since about 2013 around when I met my ex-husband. That Sabrina used to spend [even more] time in nature, used to do yoga for fitness and go for long walks.

She used to read more fiction, bake and experiment with [mostly] vegetarian meals. She did mostly yoga for fitness, drank more tea then coffee, visited book stores weekly and lived a more simple and quiet life.

She wasn’t into Crossfit, overcaffeinating herself or constantly feeling like she needed to be busy.

I realized that those things I used to do helped me manage my ADHD [+ anxiety] and it explains why things became worse over the last [almost] ten years for me.

Fitness became my outlet and escape from reality; the more I beat my body up, the less I had to think about my life.

Of course, I love my children but when you allow someone to influence you for so long and allow them to make you feel odd for your likes and aspirations, it weighs on you. You end up finding ways to distract your mind, and in my case it is what I did with fitness, including bodybuilding and Crossfit.

I took something healthy and made it aĀ toxic obsession.

Turning back to a more simple and minimalist lifestyle has helped me remember who I was. I’ve been experimenting more with different dishes and am thankful to be with someone who will try just about any recipe.

My children are happier and are more calm overall. Although I know in myself I am on the right path, it’s nice to hear from others that I look healthier, seem happier and just “look better” overall.

So who exactly am I?Honestly? I’m not sure at the moment.

I don’t know where life will take me or where I want to be in the next few years. All I know is things are moving in the right direction and I’m just taking it one day at a time.

-Sabs šŸŒæ

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